Guest Columnist
Remember a few weeks ago when I wrote this mofo and had my two minutes of fame?
And how all the comments on my story–fact: every comment is from someone I know, and 6 out of 7 are from people from home–were like, “Anna! Send this to the Express!” and how I talked to my mom and said, “Here’s what I don’t want: for anyone from Winters to ever read this”? And how my mom kind of hemmed and hawed and said, “But Anna! It’s lovely!” but eventually was like, “Your call, boo”?
And my call was “No effing way”?
Now that we’ve got all that background, I’m sure you can see where this is going.
Here’s the conversation my mother and I had today.
Ma: Guess who’s the guest columnist in the Expressss?
Me: Oh no. Who sent it in?
Ma: Remember how five people told you to?
Me: And I said no? Who. sent. it. in?
Ma: Well, I sent it to Debra [the editor]. But I didn’t think she’d priiiint it.
Me: [crickets chirping]
Ma: No one thinks it’s offensive, like you do!
Me: [waves crashing]
Ma: Hahahaha!
Me: Don’t they need, like, my permission? [Also, probably don't they need Spec's permission, too, thinking back over this farce?]
Ma: One would thiiiink, but…. Are you mad?
Me: Um. Mad. Hm. That’s a word.
Ma: Funny thing! So it says “By Anna A.” But at the bottom, it says, “ABBY A. is a junior at Barnard College majoring in urban studies. She is an associate copy editor.” Associate copy editor of what?
Me: Ohh my lord, this is the only redeeming factor. They copied and pasted, and were like, “Anna? She couldn’t have done this. Who isss Anna?” Even though I went to preschool with Debra’s daughter. “Ohhh, they must mean Abby.” 20 years in, and I’m still overshadowed by my sister.
Ma: But at least you got top billing!
I talked to my sister after. She was like, “Oh my god, I’m going to die. Why couldn’t you just leave me blissfully ignorant? Should I write a letter to the editor?” and we had a great laugh. (No, really, we did. But I’m still processing. I don’t know if I’m angry. Or bemused. That it got credited to my sister might be the most telling, fantastic thing that ever happened.)
But still.
Jeeeezus.
